Stitching Words Together

Me Again

2011-08-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

I've not been on this blog for a long, long time. But I am considering reactivating it and using it as something of a journal. Not sure how long I'll continue or how often I will post but I think it will do me some good.

Right now I am embarking on my umpteenth try to do the Fly Lady program. I need some structure in my life and I hope I can use this to provide that structure, also my house is a wreck and needs to be cleaned up. I will go along with baby steps as she suggests, decluttering a bit each day and also, my own interpolation into the program, get some cleaning done daily. (she has a cleaning schedule but you don't start it right away and I don't want to give myself another excuse not to do the work) I get lots of anxiety when I clean. There are a lot of reasons for this, some arises from my past, some comes from the fact that I have mental health issues (OCD, and Bipolar Disorder but doing well with them thank you). The trick is to try and get past the anxiety, and make progress. I hope that writing on this blog will help me with the process.

Back Again

2006-02-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well I've been at the new job for about 2 weeks and so far it's going well. Nice people, no real pressure and the money is good. What a change from Lousy Job! The only cloud on the horizon is from the Extra Job I have. I took on some extra work while doing Lousy Job and I don't really like doing it much. Not as much stress as Lousy Job was as it is only once a month, but today I should have gone out and done some work for it, yesterday too but I just couldn't make myself do it. (I have a long deadline so it's OK I can do it next week). I am going to send an email off to the district manager telling her that after this month I have to quit due to a change in schedule for my regular job. Not exactly a lie but not exactly the truth. I just can't go and say I don't feel like doing this anymore, doesn't sound right. I'll send it off after I do this month's work.

DS is coming home for the weekend. We have a Bar Mitzvah to go to and have to buy him a suit so he is coming up to get one. Can't wait to see him. He's been doing very well at school the last few weeks. I also had a meeting at his school to discuss his progress and he has come up a grade level in most areas. More than a grade level in some. We are so proud of him. It's not been a easy time for the kid and he's managed to come further than anyone expected. Just goes to show you what the right environment will do for a kid.

DD on the other hand had a bad report card. Came down a lot in a few subjects. I think it was because she is not used to taking midterm exams and that's what did it. I will have to speak to the teachers involved and try to find out what's going on with her. She seems to be trying so I don't really understand what happened. She was very upset by it. At least she still made honor roll on the strength of other grades. She's a good kid and I am not too worried but do want to jump on the problem before it gets worse.

DH continues to have pain from his chest. They say is muscle damage and will take time to heal. The rib is healed so there is no real problem there it's just time and patience. We did hear from our lawyer and will be getting a small amount of money from the incident. Doesn't matter that it was small. We would never have pursued it if we hadn't heard that the sprinklers had been running on a 20 degree day causing the ice that made DH fall.

I've been reading trashy romance novels lately. A great escape from the every day. They go fast and are a lot of fun. Sometimes you can see the plot a mile away but I don't care. I plan to pile up a bunch of them and then sell them on eBay. I've seen lots of them on sale that way. Not so much to make the money but just to get them gone after I'm done with them. I ordered a bunch directly from the publisher the other day. Got a discount and don't have to pay shipping either. If you are into romance novels and want a good deal go to www.eharelequin.com.

Resignation Time

2006-01-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

Well I've sent off the email saying that I was quitting now all I have to do is wait. I am strangely nervous about this. The last week on Lousy Job was real bad and I don't expect a very good reaction to this news. I suppose I shouldn't care but in fact I do. It's become obvious that in the last few weeks I haven't done the best of jobs, and that's not something I'm proud of. I don't like getting yelled at or being thought bad of. And that's what I think I am going to get. Well it's not going to last long. So I suppose I can grin and bear it.

Didn't make it to my Sangha (Buddhist group) today. Weather was horrible and it wasn't safe to drive, so everything is put off for a week. I will get that fabric cut eventually. My problem is that the instructions are a bit confusing so I need some help deciphering them. I hope to get that next week and get started sewing. Lots of sewing in my future, and all of it by hand. I can do it I'm just concerned about doing it right. But I keep getting told that each piece is individual and not to be too concerned. That this is mine and mine alone so I just need to please myself. Easier said than done! I'll be ripping out lots of seams and redoing them, I'm sure.

DD is off at a sleepover so DH and I get some time to ourselves tonight. Perhaps a dinner, maybe even a movie. Doesn't happen often enough when you have kids. Even older kids like ours are. Should be a nice evening.

I've been playing the Sims 2 a lot lately. Totally addictive game and much better than the original one. Not as bug ridden so it doesn't crash all the time and lots more options for game play. I have to pick up one of those strategy guides either in the store or on the net for some pointers. Although I do fine on my own. It's a great stress reliever. A very involving and relaxing game I highly recommend it to all. I could use a new video card to make it run better but so far it's been slow but fine. An 8 on a 10 point scale.

Back From Hiatusland

2006-01-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've not been posting. Lousy job has been hell lately. This past week in particular. The stores are getting a big visit from some top level guy and had to be in tip top shape. Well my supervisor did not like the condition of the three of my stores that were getting visits so she put me through hell getting them ready. Long hours, lots of yelling. The story has a very happy ending. Potential new job is no longer potential new job, it is officially NEW JOB now. I have a starting date of January 30th. Which gives me time to be decent to the folks at lousy job and give two weeks notice. If I am lucky they won't want it and will tell me to take a hike right away. Wish we luck on the new adventure.

DS is doing well at school. Mostly on Green(the highest behavior level at his school) with only one incident that got him briefly knocked down to Red (the lowest behavior level at school yellow in the middle like a traffic light). He is definitely doing better. The big thing with him right now is that they want to stop occupational therapy. That works on fine motor skills. They feel that he's come as far as he can go. A good thing I suppose but his handwriting is still horrible. Partly because of side effects of medications he takes. They are going to try giving him yet another med to see if it cuts the side effects down. We'll see if it works. For now he keeps the therapy till our state's educational review process kicks in. (his school is in another state than ours). I'll give the school a call this week to see if the meds are working at all.

DD was sick a couple of days this week. But otherwise she's been fine. She's in drama at school which is a problem with my new job. I may not be getting out in time to pick her up. She may have to wait a while for me to show up at the school to get her. It used to be that the middle school ran a late bus, but we defeated the budget last year (and it deserved to be defeated), so they cut out the late bus in the austerity budget they had to put in. Thus if you kid has an after school activity (and there are VERY few of those in this budget) you have to pick them up from the school. Big pain for the parents. Not fair to the kids with working parents. But for the most part she shouldn't have to wait for me for very long if at all or she may be able to hitch a ride with a friend from time to time. We'll see. They're doing Aladdin, from the Disney movie.

DH still has pain from his broken rib. I keep telling him to call the doctor and find out how long it's supposed to hurt. But he keeps putting it off. I'm concerned frankly. I have no idea how long it takes for a rib to heal. But I know it does take a long time. Whenever he sneezes of coughs it just kills him. I hate to see him hurt like that, and his whole side is still tender. I suppose it will be one of those things where one day he'll wake up and it will just not hurt anymore.

I am a Buddhist which is something I've not really spoken about on the blog. I will be taking formal vows most likely on March 12. I have to complete a small biblike garment for the event that has me really nervous. I am totally afraid of screwing it up. I am even afraid of cutting the fabric and making a mistake . Well today I am going to do it! I have to wash and then cut the some black fabric. Then it has to be folded and sewn in a specific way. Then sewn to a backing, then to a piece of white silk then a strip of fabric around it, then a strap to put around my neck. Something gets written on the white silk by my teacher. I am nervous and excited at the same time. The vows signal my formal commitment to the Buddhist path. There is not requirement that I do this, I just want to. My Buddhist practice means a lot to me. It has brought peace to my life and this ceremony is an outward sign of that. We (my Buddhist group that is) will most likely do it as part of a Zazenki or all day sitting. My family will come for the ceremony and then leave us to the sitting part of the day. Can't see my DH and DS sitting in meditation for hours :). Although I actually enjoy it quite a bit. After all that time sitting you feel like a new person.

That's it for now folks. See you next time

Some Progress

2005-12-31T08:09:00.000-08:00

Things seem to be moving along with Possible New Job. I got a packet in the mail from them which I have to fill out and then they check my driving record (thought they already did that but whatever) and I am in. I have to do a bunch of copying at Kinkos but it's worth it. They need some documents and I need copies of what I send to them so Tuesday I'll be spending some time doing that.

DS has been wonderful the whole time he's been here. It's going to be hard to let him go when it's time to go back on Monday. I hope he doesn't give us any trouble that day. We've had some issues with him returning to school in the past and the last time was horrible but DH was in the hospital that day and he was scared so that would explain it. DH will be taking him to the train to go back and that should keep him calm. He rarely gets upset with DH. If we think he's going to get upset we'll make the long drive to the school ourselves. But I am amazed by how well he is doing this past week. So calm and so interactive which for a kid with Bipolar disorder and Autism is pretty damn good.

DD bought herself a Ninetndo DS with her Hanukkah money plus some she'd saved on her own. She seems to be happy with it. OK, she's obsessed with the thing :). It's pretty interesting with a touch screen to do most of the work in addition to the usual keys that control the action. What's nice is that it's backward compatible you can play Nintendo Advance games on it so the old games she has are still usable. The kids also got some CD's, DVD's, games and still a couple of more presents to come. We don't give out eight presents we try to keep this low key. We've also given them money this year as they are a bit older and we figure they can buy what they like this way.

DH is still feeling pain from his rib and I think I have persuaded him to call the doctor and have it checked out. It seems to me that the pain should be getting better and it hasn't really decreased in a long time. He's considering calling this week. I know it should still be sore but this is a bit more than I think he should be feeling.

Tonight is New Years Eve and we will be celebrating, as we always do, with our best friends. This year at their house. Lots of food, talk and perhaps some football watching. (we all enjoy football and there's a game on tonight) I wish you all a very wonderful New Year and the best for 2006.

Tell Me Something Good.....Please!

2005-12-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

Still haven't heard about Possible New Job. I was lead to believe the job was mine pending a search of my driving record, which is pretty good (one small accident a few years ago), and that they'd know by Wednesday. Well that came and went and I've heard nothing. I'm going to call on Tuesday and see what's going on. I just have to get out of Lousy Job. I just got something in the mail I have to do this week for it and I don't even understand how to go about it. I suppose I'll figure it out but it's going to be a pain. I also have a project to do in one store that I've been putting off that really should get done too, and a potential problem in that same store with one of the managers (who is nice but a control freak nut). It doesn't end. I wish I could just leave the job at the job. I hate not being able to do that. I want a job that ends at the end of the day. Not one that goes on and on.

DS is home till January 2. He's doing very well so far. He spent the day with my mother-in-law while I worked. Behaved himself, made her tea and cookies and even helped her make a sandwich. Not much for a normal 15 year old but for a kid with high functioning autism and bipolar disorder this is big. He even decided to wash the dishes without being told. No dishwasher, did it the old fashioned way. Took a shower without prompting too. They are doing a heck of a job at his school. He's come far in the nearly one year since he's been there, very far indeed. Right now he's watching some videos we took out of the library. Some old favorites including a couple of Anime, which both he and DD love.

During the same trip to the library I took out a couple of books myself. A book called the Cheese Primer about, you guessed it, Cheese. I adore cheese in all it's forms and this is a book I've wanted to read for a while. It's written by a noted NY area cheese expert and is full of facts, tidbits and all matter of things cheese. DD is almost as much of a fanatic as me. There's a market near here with an extraordinary cheese section and we stand in front of it and drool. We try a new one each time. I happen to like goat cheese a lot and they have an excellent goat Gouda. They also have some wonderful long aged cheddar. Expensive but worth it. The other book I got was about artisan breads. I've been baking bread again after a long lay off and I want to expand my repertoire. I've plenty of bread books but want something I've never done before. Something new to tickle the taste buds and my skills. We'll see how I do.

Just Some Chit Chat

2005-12-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit better these days. There's another job possibility on the horizon, I'll know about it soon. I'll post about it if and when I get it. Let's not jinx this one :). Work at lousy job is not so bad right now. Dealing with a couple of annoying people is what's getting me down, got a nice "gift" today one of them was out. Good thing too she's going to have a world of crap to hand me when she gets back. You see I work for a broker that services stores for distributor. So I have no real power over the product or the credits or really anything. I'm a conduit. These folks keep forgetting that. *sigh* With any luck it will be over soon.

Best news is that DS comes home for a visit tomorrow until January 2nd. It will be wonderful to see him even though I will have to work for some of the time he'll be home. I at least have him near by. I've been missing him a lot lately. He's been doing well, being independent and I guess that makes me miss him more, he needs me less.

DH is nearly back to normal. Still having to be careful about lifting things and it hurts to sneeze but he's doing much better than he was. At this point it's just the broken rib healing. Although he can't fly till like March as a precaution for the lung. Since we don't plan any trips this is not a problem.

DD is in the drama club which for me is a royal pain. Our district rejected it's school budget and we are on austerity. One of the things they cut out was the late bus, so for the few extra curricular activities still left after the cuts you have to go pick your kid up. For a working mom this is a problem. I can usually make it in time but I worry about times when I can't. Today I had a sixth sense I'd be late so I told her to hitch a ride with her best friend. (her mom never has a problem with this) DD has no cell phone due to the fact that DH doesn't want her to due to cost and other factors. I think that it may be time to push harder for DD to get that cell.

Back to the Drawing Board

2005-12-15T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't get the job. They said they'd call by the middle of this week and it's Thursday and there was no call so I guess that's it. Sorry about this, really sorry. I wanted this job a lot and the one I have now is starting to get me so depressed that I may actually quit without one to go to. I spoke to my supervisor today about cutting my workload (I service a number of stores for a company and want to cut out the two I added last). She was noncommittal. I will speak to her again after New Years and essentially tell her it's either that or I quit. Maybe if my workload is lower I will feel better.

My food has been all over the map. Not over eating per se but not eating all that healthfully. Don't know what I will tell the nutritionist and may cancel the appointment anyway. I have something else to do that morning and may not finish in time. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. On a brighter note (got to pick up the tone of this entry somehow) DH is doing very well. More or less back to work and the pain is manageable. Broken ribs take a long time to heal and they can't splint them to help with the pain or healing in anyway so he kind of has to suffer along with it. DS comes home on the 22nd which we are all looking forward to. My MIL offered to stay with him on the one day I have to work when he is home without DH. She's a real wonderful woman. I adore her. She always pitches in, is always there for me in ways my own mother often was not. So many people think she's my actual mom it's amazing.

I faithfully promise to try and pick up the tone of this blog and not complain quite as much as I have been. It's just that things haven't been going all that well for me lately. I apologize for being such a downer.

Interview Time Again

2005-12-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

Went on another interview today. This one went very well. The woman and I hit it off and I left with a good feeling. Even if I don't get it I'd feel good about it. I hope it works out though, nice place a busy high end appliance/kitchen showroom. I'd be in the office as a gal Friday. Working phones, filing, running computers and such. Seems like a nice atmosphere and good people to be with. Best part is it's near home and could go from part time to full time if they feel my chemistry is right with the team. That's important to them, an attitude I like. I liked this place so much that even if I don't get the job I'd shop there.

DH continues to work partial days. He comes home tired and aches but he's happy to be starting to get back to his old routine. He is considering adding some more hours next week. His attitude is that he can always leave if it gets to be too much for him. I'm just glad he's doing better.

DS has been a little off the last couple of days. He's been spending time on the yellow part of the schools Green, Yellow, Red behavior scale. But the whole house is a little off I am told. They're all tense over the holidays and the upcoming vacation. I like the fact that he keeps his chin up and keeps resolving to do better. His attitude is very good. We're going to try and see him next week. I'll do the long distance driving, DH will drive the local stuff so that will make it manageable. By then DH should be able to handle the long ride. Let's just hope the weather holds out. I'd hate to disappoint the kid.

The Beat Goes On

2005-12-06T15:28:00.000-08:00

Well things are moving along rather nicely at our house. DH was able to go to work for a couple of hours today and will do that again tomorrow. Project declutter continues to move along, slowly but still moving. I've been doing a to do list every day. Not always doing the entire list but getting to most of it. Food has been a small issue, probably because I am once again nervous about work. I anticipate a problem with one of my stores tomorrow and I am just not looking forward to facing it. Don't know why I get so worked up over these things. Other people don't, but I do. I suppose it's because I tend to be a bit obsessive compulsive. Hard for me to let things go.

I've been part of a secret pal exchange the last few months and sent of the last package today. A little late, sorry to say but I think it's a nice package. It's supposed to be related in some way to fiber arts. My pal, like me, is a knitter. I sent two nice skeins of yarn, a few pairs of earrings (I also do beading) and some hand cream. You can't ever have too much of that this time of year. At least I can't. I keep it in my knitting bag all the time because I find that the yarn will snag on my hands if they are too rough. I also sent a note about myself. You are supposed to reveal who you are with the last package. I wonder how much of a surprise I will be to my pal.

Nothing was heard from the interview I went on so I guess I didn't get the job. Well there are some freelance possibilities coming up that may work to my advantage. We will see. Hopefully I can quite lousy job soon.

I've been buying some wonderful music lately that I've found on the Podsafe Music Network. I encourage you to go to this wonderful resource for independent musicians. All of them have agreed to allow podcasters to play the uploaded tracks on their shows free of charge. They've found that this will actually increase their sales. This very afternoon I bought an entire album and a couple of tracks from listening to them either on the network or a podcast. The music industry is undergoing a seachange. Check out the PMN be part of the change.

Project Declutter

2005-12-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

My house is a clutter magnet, the entire house. It's been a problem for years. I've finally gotten fed up with it and with the help of the Flylady website, I have embarked on project declutter. This rather remarkable website helps you get your clutter and life under control. She suggests that you take everything in small bites, slowly get a routine in place and that if you do that you will have a cleaner neater house inside a month. She has you start out by cleaning and shining your sink and keep it in shape daily. Then you progress to various declutter assignments, always in small bites and for short periods of time. So far I've been able to keep up. I'll keep you posted on how I do. The food, BTW, has been mostly good. When I went to the nutritionist the other day I had lost a pound. Not all that much but when you consider that Thanksgiving was in the middle there, not too bad either.

DH continues his recovery which is good because I really need his help with project declutter. While I cannot expect him to pitch in for a bit I would hope that he not add to the problem. Now this is a real issue between us. He has a tendency to leave things for me to pick up after him which is half the reason the house is a mess (the other half being my fault of course). I have decided to bite the bullet for now and do the cleaning up myself, but hell's gonna pay if the family sabotages me. Stay tuned for the blow by blow :)

Work Matters

2005-12-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't hear about the job I interviewed for yet. But she said she'd let people know on Friday or Monday so it could still happen. I hope the idiots at the job I worked at that I used for a reference got hold of her. They can be stupid that way. I did hear about a couple of freelance jobs today so I still may be able to quit lousy job. We will see early next week. Keep those fingers and toes crossed. Freelance work is chancey in terms of money, but I am willing to take chances to get out of this job. At the very least I will cut down on the amount of work I do for the people I work for now. They aren't going to like it, but too bad.

DH is doing quite well today. He's able to move around with little pain but still tires easily, and hurts if he moves wrong. Monday he goes to the surgeon to get a checkup and have the stitches out. That should make him more comfortable; don't know about you but stitches always make me more uncomfortable.

DS had a very good report card. Mastering his work(he doesn't get grades) and his teacher is pleased by his progress academically, socially and emotionally. She says he still has trouble getting into challenging work, he resists it, but is even getting better about that. For a kid who used to be prone to tearing up his papers and not working at all, this is big stuff. His reading level is up, he's writing better. All good things for him. Hard having him away but I say again it's the best thing we ever did for him.

Interview Time

2005-11-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

Did not work at lousy job today as I intended to. DH had too much trouble getting out of bed this morning for me to feel comfortable leaving him. Supervisor from lousy job got a little annoyed with me about it, although main office just said to keep them informed. Honestly what do they expect me to do here? I cannot leave him if he can't get out of bed easily (things got better as the day wore on BTW). Makes me want to get out of lousy job even more. I've got a ton of work to do too this week and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I went on a job interview this evening for a file clerk position at a medical office. Cut in pay, but at least I will be out of the bad situation, and I won't have to travel all over just to do my work (I have to drive all over creation in the course of doing the current job). They have to check references and are interviewing others so we will see. I'll know by Monday latest.

As I said DH is a bit better now. Still in pain and having trouble moving but better. He's being smart about this and resting a lot. The most he's done is read email and walk to the end of the driveway to get the snail mail. Can't be easy for him he's not the sort that takes well to enforced idleness.

DS keeps asking when we are going to visit him. He must feel bad about our visit with him or be homesick. We've told him that it depends on how DH is feeling because right now he couldn't handle the long car ride (2 1/2 -3 hours). It will be Christmas break soon in any case and DS will see us then. I feel bad for him he sounds forlorn. Our visit didn't go as planned and that's harder on DS than on the average kid. Autistic people don't handle change well at all. When plans are disrupted it takes them a long time to get over them. He will get over it but it hurts me to have him hurting and be away from me. I also think he may need a change in his medication as he has been very nervous lately. But we will see what the doctor says about that.

Home Again

2005-11-28T11:38:00.000-08:00

DH is home from the hospital a little worse for it. In a lot of pain and finding it hard to move. He could probably have stayed another day there, but as he said if there's if they say you can go home you don't ask to stay in the hospital. He just needs to give it time and take it easy for a while. He sees the doctor on Monday so he'll be home till at least then.

It did not go well at the train station yesterday with DS. Thankfully I had a friend with me and some of the other parents were there to help as well. It got hairy but when the staff from school came he calmed down. The Amtrak police came over to see if we needed any help and could not have been sweeter and more helpful. They offered to get DS on the train early with a staffer, but they didn't think it would be necessary. According to DS's case manager at school, he had a rough morning in the classroom not sure how the rest of the day went but as there were no calls from his teacher she assumes it was OK. He'll call DH this afternoon and with luck speaking to him and knowing he's OK and at home will help him feel better. Autistic people often don't know what to do with their emotion so they strike out. He doesn't know how to process his feeling so they come out in rage at times. With luck he will get through this quickly. He's a good kid and resilient so I have hopes that all will be back to normal soon. He has some wonderful supports at school and the structure they give him is a big help too. When autistic people have structure they do much better, or so it has seemed to me.

I had great fun taking DD and her best friend(here after BF) out to dinner last night. We went to eat sushi as part of BF's birthday gift. Both girls adore the stuff and while it was not cheap I needed the break after the day that I had with DS, and I really like this kid a lot. It was fun to see them enjoy themselves so much. DD also deserved the treat after a wonderful report card. She had a tough year last year in school. Probably the effect of all the trouble we were having with DS, now she has made a real turn around. Especially in math. Last year she was struggling with a C now she has A+ grades.

My lousy job wanted me at work today. I told them in no uncertain terms that this was not happening. They said they understood, but it burns me up that it was expected rather than my being asked if it was possible after DH's accident. My job doesn't have a regular schedule, I set it myself, so for them to assume I could to the work at their convenience is assuming a lot. I really hope that this other job comes through for me. I had another email for a position with the same company today and called about it. So if one position doesn't come through maybe the other one will. Got the fingers and toes crossed for this.

DS Deals With Change (NOT)

2005-11-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

DS has not taken his father's being in the hospital very well. He has been nervous and manic for the last day. We had a major explosion last night and a smaller one today. Then he said he didn't want to go back to school because of his Dad. If I thought it would do any good I'd keep him the extra day or so, but not only do I think it could hurt, I don't know how I'd get him back to school with DH laid up. Can't make that long (nearly 3 hour) drive with DH needing someone to help him for the first couple of days. I don't feel comfortable taking DS on the train into Big City to meet the folks from school who will be taking him back, so I'll drive him in. More control that way. A friend has offered to come along if I feel I will need her. I'll call in the morning if DS is truly off the wall. I'm also giving him some extra meds to calm him down. Worked like a charm this evening. Poor kid just couldn't handle the anxiety over his Dad. "Normal" folks can deal with their emotions, autistic people don't really know how to deal with them so they will sometimes act out like this when they are upset over something. Combine that with the fact that DS is also Bipolar, and so his emotions are more on the surface than other people's you can have a volatile situation at a time like this.

The last time DS was up for a visit the return day was a disaster. He suddenly became afraid to go back to school. He was scared to do Long Division of all things. His anxiety attack was so severe that they had to come up from school to get him. Now with autistic people when you do something you set a pattern. So he is also thinking that if he acts like that again (totally wild by the way tore the house apart during the anxiety attack) he can get them to pick him up. Fortunately I was able to short circuit that little idea. Scary, to say the least.

Life with DS is hard but I adore him anyway. He is really a great kid under it all and when he is not yelling, or rambling endlessly about cartoons he is a pleasure to be around. He is sweet and caring and very affectionate. But when he turned 13 his impulse control seemed to really leave him. He doesn't have as much of it as he once did. School has helped a great deal, they have worked wonders with him. But take him out of the environment and out of the structure and you get problems. I really need to sit with the psychologist who works with DS and get some ideas on how to handle his visits better. They need to be more successful than they are. If DH is not available to take him back to school by car, or back to the pick up point in Big City we have major problems. I don't know what the answer is but I have to come up with one before the Christmas break. Or at least the beginnings of one.

Slip Sliding Away

2005-11-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

DH took a bad fall this morning and ended up in the hospital. He was coming out of an ATM and slipped on some ice. Ended up with a collapsed lung. He'll be in the hospital for a few days and laid up for a few more. The truly stupid thing about this is that one of the EMT's told him that he'd seen the bank's lawn sprinklers on that morning. Now in our area it was below freezing today. It's been time to turn off sprinklers for weeks. We had the sprinkler guy come and winterize ours awhile ago. We aren't the sort of people who sue but this is a clear case and we are going to.

DD and DS were fortunately at home, and not with him, when it happened. I was at work. I dropped everything, hang the consequences. Went home for a short while till DH was checked in at the ER and I actually located him. Then a friend got me over to the hospital and picked up the kids. We sat for hours. I am thankful for my meditation practice, because it enabled me to sit for all that time without being bored. Yes I was worried, but I was able to stand the wait with some manner of equanimity. It was hard to see DH in so much pain, and hard to understand why it was taking so long to get a room. It is now nearly 12 hours since he went into the emergency room and still no bed. I had to leave him there to deal with my kids. And when I left 2 hours ago they told me they had a bed. I will never understand hospitals or how they work.

If you have the minute think good thoughts for DH would you? It would be appreciated.

This Week From Cheddar X

2005-11-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

7 things you plan to do before you die:

Go to Alaska
Go to Australia
Learn to swim
Hike the Appalachian Trail (or at least part of it)
Go to India on pilgrimage
Buy my daughter a mongoose
Return the mongoose

7 things you can do:

Knit
Bake
Embroider
Play the Sax
Play the Guitar
Sing
Ride a bike

7 things you cannot do:

Swim
Ski
Snowboard
Fly
Skydive
Eat snails
Touch my nose with my tounge

7 things you never thought you'd do:

Send my son to boarding school (but it was a good thing)
Knit socks
Bake decent muffins
Enjoy running (can't do it anymore due to arthritis)
Hear my big brother say I had a lousy childhood (which I did)
Knock my cholesterol down by 40 points with diet alone (yah for me!)
Meditate every day

7 things that attract you to other people:

Honestly
Sincerity
Warmth
Humor
Energy
Compassion
Decency

7 things that you say most often:

Everything's easy when you know how to do it.
Please
Thank you
Your Welcome
Hello
Goodbye
Do your homework

7 celebrity crushes:

Paul Newman
Robert Redford
George Clooney
Glenn Fry (not Don Henley)
(sorry there aren't anymore, quality before quantity)

Travels With The Boy

2005-11-23T11:59:00.000-08:00

I managed to get the day off with minimum trouble today. Not what I expected. It will cause trouble for someone else but I can't feel bad about that, my son comes first. DS has been having a good day so far. Made himself breakfast and took his medicine (he takes a bunch unfortunately) on his own,without help. This is a very big deal for him and a major step in the right direction. Today we went shopping for the last few things we need for the holiday, and went to a few of the old haunts we had when DS was on homebound instruction. We went to the bowling alley that we used to visit every Tuesday. Everyone was happy to see him and marveled on how much he has grown. DS has not been back there since he went away to school so it was nice to see these folks who had really been part of his life for a while. Being a real creature of habit, as most autistic people are, we also had to go to Taco Bell as we always did after bowling in days past. He ordered the same things he always used to. I just had to smile. At least he's gotten neater about how he eats now :). (oh in case you're interested 2 Bean Burrito Especials, one Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes without green onions and a large drink) Then it was to the library to get some videos, even though we went to the video store last night (another old haunt where the clerk somehow contrived to get us out the door with free rentals she was so happy to see him). Whenever DS comes in he has to do this, so we did. The head children's librarian was in and we stopped by for a chat. She has known DS since he was 5 and knows what we went through with him. Seeing him as he was, so calm and so tall and well spoken she started to cry. She's one of the good people we've had put in our path over the years. The library has been a real haven for us. Never has DS been excluded due to his behavior or disabilities. They always found a way to include him. If he got to be too much. Someone took him for a walk and took him back in the room. He was always expected to be part of the group. More than I can say for my school district.

I've not heard anything from the new job yet but don't expect to till after the holiday, sometime next week most likely. But they did say they needed someone in place by the second week of December so who knows. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. I really want this. If it doesn't work out I will be OK about it but I really hope it does. DH and I talked about my quitting my job without something to go to if I don't get this new one. He feels we really need the second income and that I have to try and find something first. But on the other hand does understand that the job is not working out for me. I know one thing, I'm not sticking with this past January.

We don't really have many traditions for Thanksgiving. We order the stuff from a local deli/restaurant. This started two years ago when DS was in the hospital and I had been through the ringer and just wasn't up to cooking. It was so good and so easy that we all agreed that we would do it like this from now on. We cook a couple of side dishes ( this year it's DS's parsnips and potatoes) and cranberry sauce (usually one cooked and one uncooked). One "interesting" thing the family tends to do is mix horseradish into cranberry sauce and eat it together that way. It's really not too bad once you get used to it. Of course we have turkey, we also have sweet potatoes, just plain roasted ones, and this year green beans and kasha. Should be a nice meal. I will ignore the pies that we plan to buy for dessert.

Light Behind The Clouds?

2005-11-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

I got a call today about a possible job that is way better than the one I am doing. I don't have it yet but it looks good to me. I need to pass an interview but I think it will go well. Think good thoughts for me OK? I am going to speak to DH tonight seriously about quitting the bad job even if I don't get this one. It's just too much. Like take this week. DS is in and I can't get any time off at all just to do simple things. Not a chance for a day off, I don't even know if I can call in sick which is what I think I will do tomorrow. I don't want to leave DS alone in the house when I to work. He really can't do 6 hours by himself. While there is a good chance that I won't have to do six hours tomorrow I just don't know if I will or not. If they fire me then that's fine I don't care. I don't have a choice here. My son comes first.

DS is fine so far but a little hyper as I would expect him to be when first home which is another reason I don't want to leave him home alone. I don't know how he will react so many hours alone. When he was totally well I left him for as much as two hours at a time but never for an entire day. Now I am mad at DH, because he kept telling me I could leave DS and shouldn't worry. Now he's telling me I can't leave him for as long as I'd have to. I don't appreciate the implied guilt trip at all. I feel caught in the middle between my job responsibilities which seem so inflexible and my responsibilities at home. I've never had a job that was like this before. It may only be my perception, I don't know but we will see in the morning. Maybe I will get real lucky and I'll get fired.

DS and I are going to make a side dish he dreamed up, and I had to search the net for a recipe for, Thanksgiving. Parsnips and potatoes. God knows why he came up with this, but it sounds good. Though we will be leaving out the heavy cream in the recipe and putting in chicken broth instead, (or maybe nothing I haven't made up my mind on the texture and flavor I want to go for) We can't use the cream do to the fact that while we aren't kosher we still don't eat meat and milk together and also my MIL is on a low cholesterol diet. DS loves to cook and has come up with interesting dishes before. One was a delicious one that had green apples and chicken in it. He wants to be a chef when he grows up. With luck and the right program he just might be. There's a culinary program for developmentally disabled people near our home we hope to get him into when he is older.

DD had been on the outs with a group of kids on the street since the end of the summer and seems to have mended fences. As she put it, this is a good thing because it was getting boring not having anyone on the street to hang out with. Turns out that it was one kid's fault the whole thing blew up. Ah, the politics of the playground. This group seems to blow up regularly, I await the next explosion.

Food has not been good the last couple of days. I had some chocolate today and did not eat breakfast as I was in a total hurry to catch the train I needed to meet DS. (the school brings the kids to a major train station in the Big City and we parents meet them there) Partly it was that DS had a candy bar and didn't finish it. Instead of throwing it out, I ate it. I should have thrown it out. Well I tend to use food as a drug and I am stressed whenever DS comes in from school so I guess that was part of it too.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts the last couple of days. Catching up on some old favorites and finding (or trying to) some new ones. If you've not gotten into Podcasts you don't know what your missing. Some of my favorites are The Daily Source Code, The Overnightscape, Digital Flotsam, Fly with Me, Knitcast, and Cast On. Check them out for some great listening.

The Complaining Post

2005-11-20T09:27:00.000-08:00

A friend at my Sangha tried to convince me to quit my job today. She is about the third person in recent days to do so. I think that this is something I need to think about and talk to DH about more seriously. Not only am I miserable, my health is being affected. My back is killing me as a direct result of what I do on the job. I have a form of arthritis and this job is aggravating it. Yes we can use the money but I think we can get along without it too. I do need to get out of the house for my mental health, but this is not helping my mental health any. I don't know. The money situation is the real problem. While we wouldn't starve if I left the job, the money does help. I am looking around for work in my field but haven't found anything just yet. I need to work on pushing the other agency I get work from to get me more work so I can quit these people with a clear head. I'd love a resolution before mid December.

Today I am going for a makeover at a local Department store. I'm taking DD with me so we can shop for a new winter coat for her before hand. I really enjoy doing stuff like this with her and I've been so down in the dumps lately I really need the lift. Once of the things I've been doing to help with my bad attitude, due to the job, is to wear make-up every day, it has helped a bit. So the makeover is kind of part of that whole process. Yeah I know it's a come on to buy stuff, but I need some things anyway so I don't mind. I don't buy make-up very often so it's OK.

DS comes home for Thanksgiving Tuesday and I am excited. I have to rearrange my work schedule because DH cannot take off work early as I thought he could to pick him up and take him home. That means working the Friday after thanksgiving which I didn't want to do. I am hoping a co-worker will cover for me so that I don't have to but I doubt she will. This is one of the things I hate about this job, total lack of flexibility. Deadlines are kind of rigid and have to be met, you cannot just let one location miss a visit.

Food went a little off the last couple of days but not too badly we will have to see how it goes next week as I had to cancel and reschedule my nutritionist appointment also because of all the kid and work issues (God I sound like a real whiner in this entry don't I?) I'm sure I still had a weight loss as my clothes fit a bit better.

Well that's about it promise not to whine this much next time.

Someone Tell Me Just What I Did

2005-11-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

I must have done something to deserve my lousy job. I really must have. Maybe my previous life had a lot of unresolved bad karma. That's it I was a Nazi in a previous life and the universe is having fun making me a Buddhist Jew with a lousy job to make up for it. *sigh* It's not really that bad but on some days, like today it feels like it is. I am a rep for a merchandising company. We service cosmetics departments in various Supermarkets. This involves cleaning them up, unpacking the order placing the order and dealing with a world of crap from the non-foods manager of the store. Why isn't my credit here? Why is that item so expensive? Why is there so much of x on the shelf? Why can't we switch out x for y instead? Half the time it's stuff I have no control over. Another problem is that my orders are transmitted over the phone with an acoustic coupler if you can believe it. Technology that went out with the stone age. Most of the time it works but when it fails, boy it fails badly and it takes forever to get an order or credit through. I talk on the cell so much as a result of this stupid job that I had to up my minutes and went over twice before I did. I hate this job and I've only been at it for like two months. So why stay? I don't know. Except that the money isn't too bad. (not too good either, I have to travel around and don't get an allowance for the mileage) Except that we could use a little extra money now and then. Except that sitting in the house doing nothing is bad for my mental health. *Sigh* Rant now over, we resume normal programming.

DD came in just now to ask if she had enough money to buy a Nintendo DS. She really wants one but we weren't about to go out and spend that kind of money on a toy. So DD, as she has done before in a similar situation saved her money and is ready to buy it. She needs just a touch more and then she'll have enough. She's successfully saved for an American Girl Doll, and an Ipod Shuffle before this. A very disciplined girl my daughter. The main problem with her is her room. The place is undoubtedly the most cluttered room in a cluttered house. So messy you cannot see the floor. We are currently withholding part of her allowance until she cleans it up. DH is holding these funds in an envelope for her so if she ever does get off her duff he can present her with the stash. Stubbornly she refuses to do it. "I like my room this way. I don't see why it should matter to you." When I was a kid I never had the chance to have a dirty room, if you didn't clean it my Mom would. She was a world class neat freak.

DS comes home on the 22nd until the 27th and I cannot wait to see him. Even though we were out for a visit a week or two ago. I do get to miss him a lot. Right now he's hoping to go to a Basketball game on Saturday. All depends on his behavior. If he gets on Green (they have three behavior levels red, yellow, and green. Green gets all privileges, yellow some, red none there's a little more to it but that's the gist of it) he'll go. He's on one of those runs when he's stuck on yellow. He knows what he has to do but can't seem to get on green. I ache for him at times like this and wish I could fix it for him. I have gotten quite enmeshed with DS over time because I was his caretaker for so long. I really have to watch it and remind myself that he is the one who is responsible for his actions not me.

Tried another couple of teas. Spiced Green, and White Monkey which is a green tea. Spiced Green was a very nice fragrant tea. Not too strong, and just right for after a meal. White Monkey was a lovely light tea with a hint of tannin in the aftertaste. Both are recommended and available from Adagio Teas.

Food has been good the last couple of days. I am concerned about Thanksgiving but I suppose I can manage. We are ordering it from a restaurant that caters the entire thing, Turkey, fixings and all. We have the dinner at my MIL's house and she hates to cook, and hates to have someone in her kitchen cooking so this is the best way. They do a nice job and it's not too expensive. Started doing this a couple of years ago and it has become our thing. I also cook a couple of side dishes. This year, for some reason, DS has requested potatoes with parsnips. I believe I have a recipe for that so we will give it a go.

Finally Project Declutter moves on. I did my closet yesterday. Got rid of a lot of old clothes and organized the rest. Much easier to find things now. Amazing how many wire hangers I managed to accumulate. Personally I think that the things breed.

Project Declutter and the Tale of DS

2005-11-14T15:51:00.000-08:00

Food was good yesterday and so far today. Yesterday I was at a friend's house for a gathering after the burial of her mother. Lots of dangerous food there but I made it through mostly because I was focused on the people and not the stuff. Focused on what was important. This friend has been a real rock for me and it was good to be able to be there for her.

Project Declutter is coming along nicely. I have the kitchen looking normal again, and it's rather satisfying. There's still paper on the table but I haven't found a place for it yet so it will have to stay for now. This is a major issue for me, clutter. Best way to deal with it is in small bites, which is exactly how I am going about it. Tomorrow, I'm going to go through my closet; and if there's time my dresser. I will take out anything I haven't worn in a long time and that doesn't fit. It will go to the Goodwill or some other organization. My closet is a horror and I can't find anything in it right now. I have to deal with it so I shall. What will be next? Stay tuned.

I've tried two more teas. Li Zi Nutcracker a green tea that was strong in taste and very satisfying. I enjoyed this tea a lot. Then there was sublime Needle a white tea I found to be a little too light in taste but DD enjoyed. DD likes tea almost as much as I do. Her particular favorite is Twinnings Prince of Wales, a pretty good tea that I enjoy too.

This blog focuses a lot on my self improvement efforts. That's because the previous two or three years of my life were focused on taking care of anything but myself, which was chronicled in the previous incarnation of this blog. Here's the quick and dirty synopsis for those who never read it. For more than 14 months I was the primary caretaker for my son who has high functioning autism and bipolar disorder. During that time DS was not always stable with respect to his Bipolar illness, he was in fact hospitalized twice. He was also so behaviorally disordered due to a series of horrible school experiences that he was being schooled at home with the help of a visiting teacher, an occupational therapist, a speech teacher, a visiting psychologist, and towards the end a 2 different specialists who were trained to work with autistic kids. I would travel around town with him taking him places to keep him busy and to teach him tasks of daily living. We'd go to stores, bowling, all sorts of things. We'd to crafts, bake, cook anything I could think of to keep us going. We watched a lot of TV. It wasn't until the autism specialists came that things got a little better for me and I got a little respite to simply sit on the computer or just be alone for a little while. But often even then I was needed to help. It was a bad situation for us all. Our marriage, always a wonderful one and a strong one bent under the strain, but held thank God. In the end we were forced to admit that DS had to go to a residential school. We tried to place him in a local school that was in a town some distance away from here but they wouldn't take him, so this was the only way. He didn't want to go at first, but went in the end.

It took time but we all have adjusted to the new way of things. DS is happy at school, thriving and doing very well. He is learning, growing academically, socially, and emotionally. He has not been this stable since before his teen years. (he was very stable before he turned 13 then all hell broke loose). The school is two and a half hours from our house three with traffic. We speak on the phone almost daily, we see him once or twice a month. It's hard but we know it's for the best so we live with it. Love makes you strong.

I Went, I Saw, I Didn't Overeat!

2005-11-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

Hooray for me I survived the Bar Mitzvah diet intact. I stuck to veggies and only ate things on my diet. (OK, I ate a little too much bread shoot me) But for the most part it was a good day. DD got on fine with the other kids one of whom was daughter of the mayor of the town where this took place. To DH's sorrow she could not fix the ticket we got for illegal parking nearby the Synagogue. :) But it wasn't a bad time despite the fact I hardly knew a soul there. They had a magician walking around who did some really good card tricks for us, upstairs there was food for the kids, in the kitchen cold food and outside fish, pasta dishes (stayed far away from those) and really good bread (Hey they had rolls made out of the same stuff as jumbo salt pretzels I had two instead of one couldn't resist. Like I said shoot me) We didn't stay for the full blown desert but took advantage of the excellent fruit platters they brought out with the coffee.

DS was asked after by one of our cousins and it really warmed my heart to have him remembered and thought of. Spoke to him tonight, he has a bad cold. It was so hard to hear him be sick and not be able to help. I know they will take care of him at school, but I'm a Mom and it's not easy being away from a sick child. He sounded so miserable. We both (DH and I that is) told him to be sure to go to the nurse and ask for something to make him feel better. I hope he does. A good night's sleep will do him a world of good.

DD is planning on coming with me tomorrow when I go to my weekly Sangha meeting. Each Sunday my Buddhist group meets to sit in meditation together, chant some Buddhist scripture, and generally be together. DD has come with me once before. She can't sit for very long but no one minds if she gets up and goes to sit outside the zendo to draw and read while we meditate. She's been encouraged to come back. It can't hurt her and might do her good and DH has no problem with it. (we are basically Jewish but Buddhism has no God concept in it and has no conflicts with Judaism in it's beliefs so the two go together fine.) We'll see if she can get up early on a Sunday morning.

I've been making political comments on this blog, which is something I never intended to do originally. But things got to me and I just felt moved to do it. It's occurred to me that so far, in my case to show that the middle is the majority I've only spoken against perceived conservative positions. I assure you I don't think of myself as a liberal. So in the interest of fairness here's a comment on a "liberal issue" vouchers.

What is wrong with the idea of school vouchers? We went through a hellish, more than year long struggle, to get DS the kind of school he needed, and all that could have been avoided if we had simply had access to a voucher. As it was we had to show he had failed at numerous placements first before we could have him placed at a special needs boarding school. Friends of ours had to go to a hearing with lawyers costing the school district thousands of dollars to get their son what he needed, would have been simple with a voucher. As to the argument that it might be used to pay for religious schools and that violates church and state, well figure out what part of the tuition covers the religion class and make the parents pay for that separately. Vouchers allow you to vote with your feet when a school is failing your child as our district did years ago with our son. Had we had access to vouchers I feel that we could have had him in a better situation year ago and avoided the downward slide that ended in him going away to boarding school. As to the argument that it would take needed tax dollars away from public schools, I say GOOD! If they are failing to do the job then let them see that they are failing by the funds leaving. That will wake them up and force them to change.

So now the liberal activists can feel free to attack me along with the conservative ones.

Various Digressions

2005-11-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Another good day with the food, although I had a bad moment in Blockbuster when the candy bars were truly calling out to me. I managed to resist even after buying one for DD and having her offer me a piece. (and me throwing her a savage look in return) I am getting used to eating lunch at a fairly early hour on the days I work. It's the only way I can reliably get it in. Now I don't like eating lunch at 11AM but it seems to be working dietwise so I'm not going to argue with it.

The area where I have really fallen down is on exercise. I have yet to work that in and I really have to try and do it. It's not really that hard. We have a bike in the basement, but I don't seem t make time for it. I have to do that. I made a commitment to exercise three times a week, that's not too hard and I'm not even doing that much. I'm not taking the weight off if I don't so I'd better get the butt moving.

Now that I've started on one self improvement project another one is presenting itself to me, dealing with clutter. For some reason, dealing with my weight and my food issues has got me wanting to deal with the untold amounts of clutter in this house ( I'd post picture but I don't need the Board of Health coming over). Here's the deal, I am going to attack one room at a time, starting on Monday, starting with the Kitchen. One at a time will work otherwise I'll get overwhelmed or drift off in the middle of it. Not sure why I have such a problem doing housework, although I've been told I probably have ADD and that may be one of the reasons.

I'm drinking another one of the teas as I type this. This is one of the white teas called Snowbud. Very nice and different from the other white tea I tried. This one has a fuller flavor, not as light. It's aftertaste is also not as tannic as the first one.

Now about that Bar Mitzvah, this is for a cousin in my husband's family. I am not even sure how we are related to this cousin. One of the things I love about DH's family is that they invite everyone to things like this. If you're family you come. They take it down to 3rd and 4th cousins. DS is not coming to this, however. We didn't want to disrupt him and have him come up for a weekend so close to Thanksgiving. (DS goes to a boarding school for developmentally disabled kids. I will write more about him in the coming week to bring those of you who did not read the earlier incarnation of this blog up to speed on him) We have to drive an hour to get DH's Mom and Aunt then drive another hour to the affair. Big test for me as far as the food goes. The Bar Mitzvah is followed by a Buffet reception. Stay tuned for a report on how it goes.

Political Comment:
Hooray for the people of Dover PA! They did the right thing and threw the loonies out. See, this is what I meant yesterday. These folks have got to realize they are NOT in the majority the middle is. Fundamentalist, right wingers are a vocal group but a small one. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, click the link. Everyone has a right to believe what they want, and to try to get their beliefs heard in the public arena, but try to impose an idea as was done in Dover and the people will rise up. 'Nuff said

Spam

2005-11-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

I've now had two make money fast pitches posted as comments that I've deleted. Please don't bother doing that. You won't get me responding and you'll piss me off.

A Quick Comment

2005-11-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

Why is it that conservative bloggers always blame the troubles the President is having on the Mainstream Media (always abbreviated MSM)? Why is it not possible that Bush's ratings are down because people plain don't like him? One blogger suggested that the GOP should more strongly push the conservative agenda and that would help. Please! That would make it worse. Don't these folks get it? They are NOT the majority. The middle, the centrists are. Push something too right or too left and you piss people off.

This is what comes of my reading blogs from both sides of proverbial aisle. There will be more occasional political comments from the radical middle.

Tea Time

2005-11-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

The tea arrived today and I've tried two different types so far. One called White A Capella was a nice light tea, with a pleasant tannic finish unlike anything I've had before. I can't wait to try the other white teas. The second cup was an 1812 Gunpowder Green Tea (all names from the Adagio Teas catalog). Excellent green tea highly recommended would make a good morning tea for those who are trying to drink more green tea for it's health benefits. I'll probably lay off the tea for the rest of the day or switch to herbal. I don't need to develop another addiction. Food is enough to deal with for now.

Speaking of food, that's doing well thank for asking. No slips today. Ate my breakfast, my lunch and had a snack. Tried having dinner earlier so I could work in another snack at an earlier hour, and that I think will end up working well. I am enjoying the new style of eating. Having a more complete meal (adding in a starch with my protein) is making me feel more full. I had a fairly light lunch today (ricotta cheese, few slices crisp bread and some cucumber sliced up plus some flavored water again) and yet I was full for most of the afternoon. Hopefully this will keep up. My concern right now is how to deal with the Bar Mitzvah I have to go to on Saturday. It's a buffet, and I'm going to have trouble staying on plan with it. I guess I can write out a list of things I can eat in advance and stick to it or try to. Stay tuned.

So Far So Good

2005-11-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

Well it's a day and a half and I've been successful thus far. Got myself out of bed and ate breakfast with the nice added bit of actually reading some of the newspaper. Had a lot more energy today as a result of eating this AM I think, so all that talk about breakfast being important is true I guess. (Slice of homebaked bread, with cashew butter and a cup of tea if you're interested) I made lunch the night before so I wouldn't have an excuse to skip it and was glad I did because I had a horrible day at work and having lunch made it a little more pleasant getting through the day. Nice little added benefit I had not considered. I think I am going to find a bunch of little benefits along the way. Dinner was fish, which I don't make often as my husband will not eat it but he ate leftovers and my daughter and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I may do it more often if she'll eat it too. Already on a healthy cooking kick and the diet is only a day and a half old!

Worth mentioning that I drink a lot of tea which is hence the Adagio Teas button on the site. Right now I am embarked on a mission to learn more about different types of tea. I just ordered a couple of samplers from Adagio, a green tea and a white tea sampler. I like green tea but know little about it and would like to try a few and learn more. White tea I've never had and thought this would be a good way to check it out. I'll put some mini reviews here on the blog as I give each tea a try. I also drink coffee, but usually only on the weekends or if I happen to have to kill some time at a Starbucks. I just can't see making a whole pot in the morning, we just won't finish it during the week. Weekends are a different matter. And quite frankly we are coffee snobs. We keep our beans whole and grind them just before we brew the pot. We usually have like 5 different types of beans in the house. It's probably silly but it's my husband's little luxury, and as luxuries go it's a cheap one.

Now the husband may be addicted to coffee (and he makes very good coffee as well BTW) but I am addicted to cheese. I could live on cheese and one of the hard things about this eating thing is that most cheese is a no,no. Most is too high in fat. There is a store that's not too far a drive from here that has an outrageous cheese department that I like to shop in. I was there yesterday, my relief in finding an aged low fat cheese was palpable. My daughter just laughed. I might be a nut, but I did enjoy my lunch as a result!

Gotta Be Starting Something

2005-11-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the nutritionist. Seems like a nice lady. Easy to work with and not unreasonable. For one thing I have to eat three meals a day. Big surprise. I'm supposed to have a starch and a protein at each meal to help me feel full and I'm to have two snacks too. Lots of veggies, fruits and lean meats. The starches are supposed to me limited in size and whole grains as well. There's more to it than this but that's the gist of it. Generally your classic balanced diet. I have to exercise, take a vitamin, and drink water all things I also don't do. Now the interesting thing is that I knew I needed to do all of this so why did I have to pay someone to tell me? Who knows. It's like I needed it to be official. I'm a compulsive overeater and I need an outsider to lay it out for me. I can't do it myself. Now please, don't tell me to go to OA. I've been there and it's just not for me. People in OA just whine too much and frankly I don't think that someone who has a problem with food has the same issues as a person who has a problem with alcohol. So I don't see the steps working as well for an overeater as for an alcoholic. But OTOH, the principles of admitting you have a problem you are powerless over and that you need to stay on some sort of program to be straight that I agree with. So my nutritionist is my higher power and my program is my diet right now.

I'm going to go shopping this afternoon for all sorts of veggies and fruits and the like. Probably to my favorite market. The question is, can I stay away from the cheese counter? This place has the most amazing cheese counter you ever saw. Cheese from all over the world, all different types and styles. But I'm staying away because it's just too high in fat and calories. I'm sticking to the lower fat stuff for now. I suppose I can ask if they have any low fat cheese, but what would be the point? *Sigh* no goat cheese for me for the duration, or at least till I see the nutritionist again and ask about it.

I also have to exercise. I agreed to try 3x a week for 20 minutes. I can easily do more but I don't want to set myself up to fail so that's what I have as a goal. If I do more great. Got to walk before you run. We have an exercise bike in the house so it won't be hard to get the workouts in. Just me and my ipod I guess.

What Classic Movie Are You?

2005-11-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
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Old Business

2005-11-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

The first incarnation of this blog was written when I was in a deep crisis. I was home taking care of my son who has high functioning autism and Bipolar Disorder. I also happen to have Bipolar Disorder and the experience and stress of taking care of him threw me for a loop. This blog was a lifeline. I deleted it because the formatting got all screwed up and I couldn't fix it and in my perfectionist's ways I couldn't bear to have it out on the web in that messed up fashion. So to my old blogging friends who may have missed me and find me again now I am sorry for that.

I am doing well these days with the occasional blip. Today is a blip. Feeling a little down and don't know why. But I'll work it through I suspect I usually do. A new thing in my life, at least I think it's new since the last time this blog was live is that I am a committee Buddhist now. I meditate daily and go to a Buddhist Sangha weekly to meditate with others. I will formally take refuge in the spring or late winter. That means taking vows to take refuge in the Buddha, the Teaching or Dharma, and the Sangha or community of believers. You don't have to do this but I want to as a sign of my continuing spiritual journey. It's brought great peace to my life and everyone has noticed that I am calmer and more settled now. I think it's important to attend to the spiritual part of life however you chose to do it.

To those who remember me speaking about my son and all the troubles we had with him and school. He is well and happy. He is in a boarding school now, for kids with developmental problems. So far so good, again with the occasional blip, but they are fewer and fewer and father between. It's hard to have him away but it's best for him and good to see him improve.

There, old business mostly cleared up. If anyone wants to know anything just ask, assuming you find me again from the old days that is and I hope some of you do. Take care for today

New Begining

2005-11-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

I am fed up with myself. In the last 18 months to two years I have gained 50 pounds. Not the first time mind you. But I aim to make it the last. I have called a nutritionist and made an appointment. I have made a comitment to myself to use the exercise bike we have in the house, and I have it in mind to change the way I live. I want to get healthy more than I want to lose the weight. I am looking for a lifestyle change and the nutrtionist is part of it. This blog is going to be a record of my journey. It won't be easy. I have always had problems dealing with food and I take some medications that make it hard to lose weight (not made up verifiable medical facts) so this will be interesting. Along the way I may make an observation or three about life. I used to have a blog by this name where I did that and I kind of miss it so here I am back again. Hope you enjoy the ride.